atlquotl

atlquotl @ 2008-03-06T02:58:00

2008-03-06T08:32:02Z

*guh*

8 months or so since I've posted.
I do things in spurts.

My second daughter's been 3 since january.
My first, will be five in july.

The fight with my first, is basically over.... It's likely I'll never see her again.

I work a lot.
When I don't I'm either playing games, sleeping, or going to Hrmm... church?
Technically, I don't get to church sunday mornings, but there's a tuesday evening meeting I go to every chance I get.

I've also been reading the bible more (not enough but, more's better.... reading it is never enough.) and listening to a lot of cd's and mp3's of some of the same teachers.
It's fascinating to watch... You hear a lot of different doctrines trying to explain away christianity.... and everyone thinks well "I get saved I'm going to heaven" It's basically hell insurance....
That's not all the christian walk is to be.
Jesus told us to go into all the world and preach the kingdom.
He also told the disciples to train everyone as he trained them.
He told them that they would do greater works, through the holy spirit, than he had.
And all we get out of christianity is "GO to church and try not to sin"

Christianity is a relationship WITH christ, it's not just about going to church, it's about letting Him guide you. Ask Him what to do...
I've come to realise something.
Living as a Christian is impossible.
Humanity as it is has not the willpower to live the way Christ said to....
The *ONLY* way to do what Christ says (And He's the model we're supposed to follow... We're supposed to live as he lived, and do what he did) is to have a relationship with him and to let him guide you, mind body heart and spirit...
Don't ignore his promptings either... I know when I do... I'm not perfect, but I also know that I suffer for it.
Give yourself over to Him... He is the way the truth and the life.... Follow him...
He loves you more than you can imagine... He *IS* the truth... and He says he loves you.... Don't discount that... You can find a million ways to avoid doing it... but that's just a million ways you keep yourself from finding the truly enriching and fulfilling things he has in store.

It's not easy... it's not a cakewalk... it was never meant to be.
but life can be so much *MORE* if you take his hand... and just say yes to everything he has to offer.

Please... don't let Him slip away

Monkeys ate my time!

2007-07-13T06:13:06Z

Okay Someone *coughanodielcough* said I had to post again.... wheee okay first note, since getting this manager gig I've been permanently busy, and my life's trying to get busier.... almost....car... have mom paid off, now to get it out of her hands!!!!

Anyway soon as I have it I'll be going once a week to see my daughter, as it is I've been seeing her every 2-3 weeks which is great.... did I mention she comes up to my waist! She's HUGE!!! She's over 3' tall and she's 2 and a half! I'll have to get a digital camera and take pictures.... or something maybe have my best friend use his camera for it... I miss my little booger! :)

Mmmm what else, I've recently run accross a pastor named "Jack frost" (No joke....) He passed away back in march
but here's a link to his ministry
http://www.shilohplace.org/
If you can, get ahold of "From slavery to sonship" It's very very powerful.... It's like 7 cd's but it's got so much in it that you have to hear.... I've allways tried to work at the whole "God thing" and I've allways failed, and this... it gives you a way to know you don't work at it, (we all try sometimes, even though we know that's not what it's about it's hard not to, as we're used to working for everything)
It's..... Hard to explain, but Go after Him no matter what.... trust me, it helps....

Oh and in other news, if you play eve online.... do me a favor and donate like.... 2 billion isk to the "Get atlquotl into a carrier" fund.... it would be greatly appreciated! (grin I'll make it myself somehow.... just would be cool to have someone moderately wealthy randomly donate :-p)

Oh and Anodiel... I know I'm being a total PIMA but I'll likely totally forget to update unless you bug me occasionally, as I said I'm usually pretty busy all day and pretty tired when I get home... If you'd like to get ahold of me on AIM or MSN or YAHOO at some point just leave me a message and I'll let you know how.

Talk to you guys later
David

atlquotl @ 2007-05-16T15:17:00

2007-05-16T19:06:56Z

Okay ya know I think I come on here and post once a month or so, usually after or while I'm in the middle of one of my depression gigs, makes me realize that while I may not have everything a woman has when it comes to monthly cycles, I start to think that perhaps when it comes to horomonal cycles, Men, or at least I, tend to as well.

Yay depression, yay alone, okay now that I've written 15 paragraphs about how horrid my life is and how alone I am, I'm done writing? *mumble*
I could say a lot, but what's the point it'd be just like everything else I write.

Not worth bothering with.

Saw samantha last week, was hoping to see her again yesterday but that didn't work out at all....
She's 2 and a half and comes up to my waist, considering I'm 6'3" she's bloody huge.
Wub my little sammy....I miss her, I'm thinking O gotta find a way to move in with conner, or down around that area, so I can see her more often, She's my little girl, and I gotta do something about it.... 'll have to stay here for a while longer as a manager to get enough exp under my belt that I can actually get another management job right away but I gotta move, I've got to see her more often, 's just all there is too it.
She's growing up under my nose and I'm missing it, because I'm not close enough.... I need to rectify that.

I'll bug you guys next month when I get depressed again... heh
Atl

atlquotl @ 2007-04-20T02:00:00

2007-04-20T06:11:15Z

I sit up again. It's 2 am. I need to be up and alert by 7:30 6 hours ago I drank a silly energy drink because I was falling asleep.... I should have slept. Instead I finished about 250 pages in a book I'd been reading. I'm done with the book now, the story's over.... the deed is done, and yet there is still something I need to do and I do not know what it is.

I've found something out about myself, something I've allways known but never wanted to admit. Well let me back up a moment first. First of all, I'm beginning to believe that there is no being out there that can match my personality well enough to put up with me for more than a month or two. That's all most people can stomach me for, before my oddities stack up to the point where they begin treating me like an outcast.

I go to Bernie and Terry's house because they're the only friends I have who live nearby, and even they, I fear, really don't want to see me around anymore. They don't say it, but.... and perhaps I'm being paranoid. Terry's under a lot of stress right now, as is bernie. I saw bernie at work the other day and he looked more alive than I've seen him at home in a long time. This thing with their house needs to break through, so pray for them, perhaps, once they've gotten another place and are comfortable, things will be better for them. and of course that last paragraph has nothing to do with what I started it with...my mind has wonderful ways of distracting itself.

Anyway, long story short, there's someone who lives with them who's within 5 years or so of my age, and she and I got along oddly well for a very very brief ammount of time. Now we just annoy the hell out of each other, which is fine, this way's better than the alternative considering that now that I sit back and look at the situation, the whole thing would have been very unwise anyway.

Anyway first of all, I''ve begun to come to the conclusion that the woman I search for does not exist. I've also realised I'm not truly looking. Oh sure I make noises at it, and pretenses, but I've not had the nerve to ask someone out since I was, good grief 19? There's people I could, but I wouldn't bother, they are not what I'm looking for, even though ironically a couple of them happen to be very very cute, personality traits, and lack of faith in God leave me feeling like the one I'm looking for truly does not exist (can the combination of traits I seek actually exist? Doubtfull.)

Second, going back to searching for someone, I am, and yet I am not. I am not willing to ask anyone out partially because I feel no one brings anything to the table that I desire, but the flip side of that is I've not made it an issue to get to better know certian people who may have what I'm looking for, but I don't know them well enough to answer that question. Ultimately I'm afraid, afraid of rejection, afraid of acceptance, and a recurrence of what happened with Christy, afraid of so many possible things that could go wrong, that I never even bother to start. Is she going to dismiss me out of hand simply because I work at mcdonalds? Is she going to dismiss me out of hand because I have children, because I don't presently have a car... So many things that to the right person would be trivial, but make me fear to ask for fear of asking the wrong person, and getting sneered at.

See I was homeschooled only for the second half (ish) of my scholastic career. I'm selfish, loud annoying obnoxious....Some people see that in me, some people don't but, to the ones who want to see it in me, people can be very very cruel. I still have issues with self esteem because of things that happened to me in a "Christian" school. Mom paid for me to go to school, and yet I got treated worse there by some of the kids than I've ever been treated in my life. They were mennonites and I was not, and I was an outcast and shunned. People wonder why I don't deal well with groups. One on one personal level I'm okay with you.... in a group, don't.... just don't. Leave me alone and we'll both be okay.... don't... well... I'm 6'3" people tend to ignore me when I go stand in a corner and glower, I've never really had anybody take me up on the alternative, though I could see it being bad, especially if they chose to be obnoxious about it.

I was, and am, too softhearted to stand up for myself except in the most frustrating of situations. I'm slowly changing that, but at the same time I feel I'm losing a part of myself. There's a part of me that just wants to love and care and help... I've been stepped on so damn many times that sometimes I just don't care anymore. Admittedly, some of that is my fault, I don't know when to leave well enough alone, even if I think I'm helping, it annoys someone, things get blown out of proportions, bad stuff happens. I'd like to say I'm perfect but I'm far from it. Unfortunately no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to rid myself of these imperfections, though some of them are what makes me me, they still show up and make an ass of me quite frequently. Then I have to try to cover for myself and make up for it over who knows how long because of some moment of stupidity I do something dumb, and no one ever forgives anymore. Worst part, is I tend to be repetatively stupid... Yay I have a vocabulary that far surpasses any belonging to anyone I work with.... My general manager asks me how to spell words.... and I can't make a friend to save my life because I wind up doing some of the dumbest things.

Lord if she exists, give her the patience of a saint, she'll need one to accept my flaws without judging me for them.

I'm outside my freaking mind, allways have been... I'm slowly learning to deal with my life at work.... and doing it well, Lets see if I can make it work elsewhere, somehow I wonder if it'll ever get that far.

Meh
Atl

atlquotl @ 2007-03-23T00:12:00

2007-03-23T04:00:55Z

Lots of stuff
tired
no time,
need to be in sleep like, 2 hours ago.... gotta be up at 5:30
As of this past tuesday I made management.
As of this past friday one of my friends got a year older, as of this past monday my ex is a year older
As of wednesday my brother is a year older,
as of monday my sister's a year older.... my sister's 1 week and 1 year younger than my ex.....
My ex, is Christiana, and my sister's Christina...... Wheee
that was not intentional, when I met my ex, I only knew her as CJ

.... how life lives
Time gracefully flowing by, not a moment of it being noticed until it's too late, and already gone
In time we live, in time we die, in time we laugh, in time we love....
Love is a fragile thing, prone to fits and starts, and when it's gone, it's gone for good
shattered into a million pieces forever falling away, away from you, and yet never far enough
to stop causing pain. Why does something so good, hurt so much, because it's not there anymore?
Love God, Love life.... Lovers only cause pain
Atl

atlquotl @ 2007-02-18T13:17:00

2007-02-18T18:12:57Z

K to finish what I'd needed to say as I'm rather tired and should probably take a nap...

When I suggested she talk to God about it (as I have no further suggestions) Her response was that she'd never hear from Him, I was like, you'll never know unless you try.

Anyway couple days later she called goin on about how she got this huge engagement ring and how she's not sure if she's really happy about getting married. She loves him and wants to be with him... but she's not sure about this whole marriage thing... I think I heard that somewhere before... heh ohwell

My feelings for her at the moment are mixed, one day I'll love her and hate to have her gone, the next I'm okay with the idea, and feel sorry for her that she's so... her.
Perhaps I should begin to worry about me instead of her, cause I'm still obsessing and it's driving me nuts.

Anyway been going through 1'st and second kings.... I actually went the whole way through the first, and most of the way through the second over the past few days.... Last night I read a lot... I was just about to go back to bed when the alarm went off, and that's when I realised how much of the bible I'd actually read... Wheeee
It's interesting, reading this... the stories of all the kings and all their deeds and misdeeds, to read about which one tried to obey God, and which one tried to disobey him the most... (fascinating that of all the kings... the worst offender was Jezebel, a queen, she was... woah? yeah wouldn't wanna be her)
Still trying to figure out how you can come from a nation, knowing of God, and knowing He exists and knowing all he did for your country, and if it weren't for Him you wouldn't HAVE a country, and yet still think that some statue called Baal is real... even after watching Elijah call fire from the heavens and burn a sacrifice, wood, stones.... 4 barrels of water... one of these kings still followed Baal... Heck I've not seen God with my own eyes, or seen any amazing miraculous direct proofs, and I believe.... how can someone who DOES see still not believe... I think the miracle wasn't the altar being burned to ash, I think it was the stubborness of some of the kings of israel....
yeah...
sleepy
I'll post again at some point in the future
Atl

atlquotl @ 2007-02-18T04:09:00

2007-02-18T09:09:18Z

Wow, just noticed two friends from LJ have birthdays within like 5 days of each other.... That's kindof amusing.... One I met on here, the other's from Eve.... universes apart and yet they have birthdays in the same month, within 5 days... heh ohwell yeah I'm wierd....I've been reading again.... I woke up at like... midnight after about 3 hours of sleep, and spent most of tonight reading the bible. I need to be at work in an hour, so I can't go back to sleep either. Ohwell. I'm beginning to realise that I need to fix some things within me. I know what they are, I'm just not sure how to do it. First, because of where I live, I cannot have friends over, I won't go into it too deeply, but let's just say dad's kind of strange. I'd love to live on my own, but I don't make enough. Not before child support, let alone after. Now apparently there's problems with the money getting to my ex, and the counties trying to blame me.... lovely I gotta call them on monday, only they're probably not open because of presidents day so I'll try tuesday.

One of my problems though is that I feel incapable of doing anything. I feel like I'm a failure in life, allways have, and feel that way so deeply that I fear even trying to start something. I realise this is.... stupid at best, and at worst, destroying my life, and yet it's there, gnawing at me, and eating at me like some living breathing thing inside me that I'm incapable of controlling. It's part of the reason I wouldn't let go of my ex, because I was (and maybe am?) so afraid that I'll never be accepted by anyone else that I think she's the only one who can, or will, accept me.

Valentines day came and went, same as it allways has. I think christy and I celebrated it once or twice, but generally it was either a reason to have a fancy dinner and then fun. Or it was just another day in that all that we did was argue :-/

Meh She's called me off and on several times over the past couple weeks, first was to talk to me about my daughter (she'd had some kind of asthmatic attack and wound up in the hospital for a few hours, fortunately she was fine) when I told her I wouldn't be able to come down because I worked and such she got all indignant. She knew I couldn't come down, and probably wouldn't have been upset if I'd not said anything but I felt I had to apologize, and we got into an arguement over how nothing's changed and how I'm still responsible for all of her problems. She hung up, and I didn't expect to hear from her again for two weeks or so, as this is generally what happens with her. Instead she called back about half an hour later and apologized, and started telling me how much she missed me.

I was needless to say, rather surprised. I figured after all this time, she couldn't possibly still have feelings for me, and yet apparently she does. I still could not and would not let on though that I still hold out feelings for her. There's a difference between caring for someone, and truly wanting to be with that someone. If I let her feel I cared about her, I know she'd mistake that for me wanting to rush back to her, which will not, and cannot happen. Finally the last thing I said to her, as I guess a final hope, and perhaps a hint to her, was that if she truly wanted something to work out, to talk to God, because in my heart my relationship with her is over.

Meh, there's more I need to say but I'm running out of time, I've gotta walk out the door in ten minutes and still havent taken a shower.

I'll finish this later this afternoon
Atl

atlquotl @ 2006-12-22T00:36:00

2006-12-22T05:36:39Z

Odd I insist on failure, over and over and over again and yet somehow I don't quite feel like a failure. I'm this close to getting a car.... another 2 weeks, tops, and I'll have enough for something economic and affordable... I'll be glad when I'm done tossing everything I make into the bank.... glad to have a car... elated, and yet....

Meh, SHE called several times since the last time I wrote...my best friends description of her "Ghetto Princess." heh... so well put... I don't know what I was thinking. Thing is, I finally came to realize that, I don't miss her so much as I miss being IN a relationship and soon as I start feeling sad about not having some of the things I had in that relationship I immediately think "I'm missing her." when in reality I'm not... not anymore... I don't miss the arguements, I don't miss the fights, or the insanity of it all. I care about her, I'm still empathetic with her... but she's becoming more.... I don't know? an annoying little sister that one cares about anyway because through it all one must still love her?

I told her some of this second to last time we talked.... this was after I figured this out and we actually talked.... comfortably, for the first time in freaking forever.... I told her some of the "I miss being in a relationship, but don't particularly miss you or the fighting we did..." and her response was "Yeah I miss you sometimes too..." Not exactly what I wanted her to get out of it...

She called me tonight...I wanted to be mad at her but I was in a good mood so I humored her... She had pretenses of telling me about samantha mailing me a christmas card (apparently she walked up to the mailman and handed it to him :) I can't wait to see what christy wrote down for my daughter... and then pretended to sign in my daughters hand.... I'll be amused....

Otherwise I think she just wanted to hear my voice....I told her I was watching a movie (resident evil... saw it in the theatre with her loooong ago.... so it amused me to go wait wait shhh.... and then do an insane dead zombie scream-growl in her ear....though the annoyance I expected from her never materialized....)

She's doing it again.... She's getting bored with her plaything and she wants me back... oh how I hope I'm wrong... please... someone... tell me I'm wrong and have a good way to back it up.

being at peace with her is nice... It'll be painfull to wreck that by telling her I really don't love her anymore and making her believe it. She and I never were to be...
FFS I'm mis-capsing my sentences and screwing up my grammar... ugh... this bothers me.
Her feelings do matter to me even if the reverse isn't true... I don't want to hurt her again... and yet I know right now, that I'm going to have to. To be in a relationship with her again would not only be unhealthy but... totally... utterly stupid for so many reasons... she belongs to him now... she's no longer mine... entertaining this would only lead to more pain that I already have...
I gotta get up early, gotta go to bed now

Dear Christy, I'm sorry for what I'm going to have to do. I love you, I allways have and allways will, but you've made your choice in life, you said it your self, what's done is done, and it'll never go back to the way it once was. Don't be too mad at me... I'm sorry
Atl

atlquotl @ 2006-12-09T00:44:00

2006-12-09T05:44:25Z

Lonely, and so utterly alone.
Just wish life would stop tormenting me...
teetering on the edge of dumb, wanting dumb, but barely holding out and saying no, is that as bad as being dumb?
(more like riding a razors edge hard enough to get burned by it,.... I think that's close enough to dumb...)
Meh
sometimes I wish I didn't exist

atlquotl @ 2006-12-03T21:43:00

2006-12-04T02:43:34Z

Tired, depressed, bored, lonely. Keep getting *THIS* close to a car, and then something happens, I'm about halfway to the point where I want to be now, within a month I should have at least 1k, enough to get me on the road, and looking around for whatever job is available that pays well enough to move up some... I'm hoping to go back to school in either winter or spring terms, really hoping for winter, but I'm not sure how feasable that will be. (beginning of january ish....)

Christy finally had her third daughter. I have wierd thoughts about this. I was there for her first two children being born, guess for a while I thought I'd be there for all the kids she had... funny how life turns out

Things with work are still hectic, though I should start getting at least one day a week off...I can't wait for tomorrow night, I need to be somewhere.... else... just away, and well, the bible study will do that for me, even if it's away to a place I'm familiar with and people I'm familiar with... though I do think I need to get somewhere I'm not familiar with right now. I'm not sure where that is, or even why it is, but I feel drawn... outward, just.... somewhere else... I don't know if it's away from the bs, and my instinct is to just run, or if there's a reason for it and I'm being drawn somewhere
but either way, I've got to go away somewhere, not for long, just for a weekend or something, but... away right now would be good for me.

Then again I don't think moving away from this city entirely and permanently would be bad for me, but right now it's highly unlikely for me. I'd basically need to find someone I was comfortable rooming with for a while, and I've not found anyone yet like that... No one that would be interested in rooming with me anyway.

I've got more I want to say, not sure how to say it, and should probably be in bed by now anyway, so I'll try to post again sometime soon, there's gotta be a way out of this, something has to give.
Dave

atlquotl @ 2006-11-22T13:07:00

2006-11-22T18:07:00Z

I don't have long so I'll have to keep this one short.

Buggered all I'm a bit tired, yay for thanksgiving! finally a day off, though unfortunately I won't be here because I'll be up at my mom's should be able to post a little something about that sometime on the weekend.

Not even sure I want to mention christy, well of course I do but, geeze it seems like I should be freaking over her by now, it's been what? a year now? nothing but whining and moping about her. I've come to realize that I do really still miss her a lot sometimes. I know she misses me too, but then I stop to think about how our relationship really was. I have to keep telling myself to back off... not that it would matter weather I still cared about her or not, because, well to be blunt she doesn't care about me.

Found a place where people say "Add me as a friend" and added one or two, so "Wavies to the new people" Just to let you know, my posting schedule is rather erratic, sometimes I post 2-3 times a week, others I don't post for a month or more, if you havent heard from me in a while post a comment or poke me or something, and I'll try to update.

MMmm there's a quote in Men in Black where J says to K "Yeah well you know, it's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all." and K's response was "Try it sometime."
That's how I feel lately. I feel like I need to move on, and find someone else, but there's really no prospectives... there's no girls at one job that I'm interested in, and no girls at the other job period, and all I ever have the time to do is work... heh, ohwell.

I also feel like, maybe I'm not ready to move on, and I'll just screw up my next relationship because I'm still moping about my damned ex. there are times when I think I'm over it for months at a time, and then others when it jerks back and slams me in the face.... I guess it's hard to spend that much time with one person, put that much energy into one person, and then just let them go.

I know what's going to happen because it came close to happening already.
I'm going to finally find someone to be happy with, and she'll get jealous. She'll eventually get so jealous she'll dump her boyfriend of the week and try to come after me again... Meh, I hate being alone, but I hate being used even more

I've taken too much time already, I gotta get ready for work.
maybe I'll feel better by the time thanksgiving is over, then again, who knows
Dave

atlquotl @ 2006-11-18T14:53:00

2006-11-18T19:53:12Z

Wow what to say, been busy again, my second job got more work suddenly and I've been working 60-70 hours a week, including now opening on weekends. This means I have to be up at 4 to be at work by 5... fun.

To certian friends who bugged me about posting, sorry for being out of the loop for so long, between being busy with work, and just trying to catch up on sleep occasionally, I really don't have a heck of a lot of time to do much of anything.

I'm sposed to go to mom's this wednesday for thanksgiving, She's going to want some help cooking cause of everyone that's going to be there, so I finally get to learn some of her recipies for some things. (Muahahahaha I'm going to take over the world with her cherry-apple pies!) *cough* anyway.

I've also been hanging out with some folks that I used to hang out with before I got with christy, when I got interested in her I stopped coming online for 6 months or so, that's how bad I was, so needless to say I lost contact with a lot of friends. I got ahold of these guys again, and it's been cool cause we've been able to hang out and stuff. though I've not been over there as much as I'd like recently simply because of how much working I'm doing.

Heh funny thing is, I'd had half a post saved from a month or two ago that I never managed to finish, I really don't remember what I was babbling about then, so well... ohwell...

Mmmm not even sure I should get into this one but, ohwell here goes. There's some guy who christy used to work with a number of years back who recently started working at mcdonalds. The first day he was there, we were both sure the other one wanted to kill us... (Yay bad grammar!) We eventually started talking, and now we're vaguely okay with each other. Though I'm uncertian as to how friendly I'll ever be to this guy. He seems like he wants to leave the past behind us, so *shrug*

Basically how we met before was (and I'm sure I've said this before) Christy likes/liked to argue, a lot. Fight about this, fight about that fight about whatever, if she wasn't fighting she wasn't happy... like mother like daughter, but I digress. She would call this guy at 2am or whenever after she got done berating me for whatever she wasn't happy about that day, and tell him I was abusing her. Now, don't get me wrong, I don't like being yelled at, so I would yell back, hell I threw stuff at the wall a couple times (boxes or something) but I never beat her, I'm not like that, and never have been, and anyone who knows me well, knows damn well I'm not. (hell even John's starting to get that impression... which surprises me a little I guess) So she'd call him, make stories up about how horrible I was, and then he'd come over and bitch at both of us, and well, lets just say that really didn't make me particularly friendly to any of the parties involved.
Well the other night he and I got to talking about her, and he said that she had been saying she and I'd been broken up for several years (when I said it was about 1 this month) and had been, rather promiscuous. I'd allways suspected, and actually she's even said to me once or twice that we've not been together for years and years (even though she called me march 29'th and wished me a friggin happy anniversary, go figure) and she doesn't know the real truth from her own truth, so what he's saying rings rather true. I'm also fairly certian I've mentioned the time I walked in on her in my bed asleep with another man.... which also leads me to believe that this guy isn't bullshitting. Which means she was sleeping with him, and who knows who else while she was pregnant with our second daughter... The more I know about her, the less I like her it seems
I guess the only thing I really can do is just forget about her and make a better choice next time, I was just... still vaguely looking at her through rose colored glasses, hoping against hope that I wasn't right about her, and she really wasn't as.... self centered as she is, but... well... life is what it is, no two ways about it.... and she is who she is as well, no way to change her, just to pick myself up and move on... meh, sometimes I wish I knew how...
anyway enough of me moping, I'll write more when I'm not in such a self pitying mood, heh who knows when that'll be
Atl

atlquotl @ 2006-08-17T07:34:00

2006-08-17T11:37:49Z

Mmmm
Where to start.... I've had a lot of time freed up lately because my second job slowed down, a lot.... very quickly... less money, but less time working... Mmm I actually enjoyed doing something with my time, ohwell, next summer he'll need help again so... if I still need help then, I'm definately gonna look him up. I think I'm gonna have to cancel my gym membership, 30$ a month... ugh... especially considering I'm not using it.... I'll likely re-start it once I get my car, but right now, everything has to be devoted to that, and especially with as little money as I've got coming in right now as I do... well I'm not gonna be able to get a car for a while... Ohwell... perhaps kerry'll get swamped again and need help even though this is sposed to be his slow season, or something. (not that overworked is a good thing, just... steady enough that he needs my help again would be nice... as it stands he's got like 10 desks he has to do, can make 10 a week, and well... these 10 need to be done by the end of the year... don't see him needing much help right now) I know there's something else I can be doing to make money, just not quite sure what it is... I'll find out soon enough though. Been reading through 1'st and 2n'd samuel over the past few days, and I'm realizing how much trouble King David had, even as a "Man after God's own heart" he ran into so much stuff that ugh.... He was chased around by saul from the time he was what? 13? 15? till the time he was 30, then it took him another 3 years before sauls son was dethroned and he took over all of israel as king, instead of just judah... Then, his son absolom tried to dethrone him... and he wandered around for a while after that, not quite sure how long, months? a year? before absolom was finally killed? and then to top it off, one of his older sons tried to wrest control of the kingdom from him, and his chosen son Solomon, until he basically said, Umm no... Solomon is going to be king, not you... soon after Solomon had to have his older brother killed because he was at it again (soon after David died)... this man spent nearly as much time in trouble as he did as king... and I never even mentioned the whole bath-sheba thing....
You'd think this was a work of fiction, except we know it wasn't... I'm vaguely considering finding out as much about Davids life as I can, and write a couple of fiction books about him, (What it was like to be in battle... etc, Not actually change any of the story, just flesh it out?) I'm just worried that the whole idea'd be frowned upon by many... Yea/Nay's would be appreciated... if you like the idea or not... anyway going to go, I've got a feeling that I'm going to have a lot more to say in the next few days, not sure why but... ohwell
AtlQ

atlquotl @ 2006-08-16T06:12:00

2006-08-16T10:28:22Z

Heh Mmm the one that I couldn't remember was Louis, Eddies brother, or cousin or something or other, He Eddie and another cousin "Angel" used to all work together, (I think Louis and Angel were brothers, and eddie was the cousin or something? who knows) Ohwell
The next evening, saturday evening, Saw me see someone else whom I've not seen in a long time.... quite odd to be honest...
Her name is nikki, she was the girlfriend of one of my friends after he'd left his wife, or his wife left him or something or other, she started working the same place as us because of him. Apparently she's now getting child support out of him, just goes to show how faithful he is, not that that's any of my concern. Well I'd been seeing so many people that I'd not seen in a long time that I figured well heck the next person that I see that I've not seen in a while, I'm going to get an email addy or something out of them, so I can start getting back in touch with these people... I mean I'd actually like to still talk to Lauren, and Rosie occasionally, and Liz too.... but well... I just didn't think about it until after the chance had gone by. Well Nikki never really had been at the top of my priority list to keep in touch with but I figured well, heck I can email her once every 6 months, no biggie. Heh well inside of the perhaps 60-90 second convo we had while waiting for the line to move. She told me that she's had some guy recently cheat on her, so she kicked him out, and apparently brad (our errr mutual friend?) still wants her back, and her recent ex still wants her back and "Everyone I've ever gone out with still wants me back!" then ehm... dear? why are you single? Unless of course she tends to be attracted to the wrong kind of guy who couldn't stay faithful if he tried, and well that'd explain a few things wouldn't it? Ohwell. Anyway she said something about her computer being broken, or having to get a new email address or something, and that she'd "touch base" with me at some point.... I'm going, yeah okay, I'll see you in another 6 years.... No biggie. I wasn't really too worried about the whole thing. Anyway by the time she gets to the second drive through window, she seemed to think it was a big enough thing to write down both her home and cell phone nbr and give em to the girl working the second dt window.... (who just so happened to be my manager) So okay she does take it a bit more seriously than I thought. Hrmm... Couple things
Just call it a hunch but I get the feeling that this girl's trouble. First off she has three sons... heh umm I've already got two of my own kids, and somehow I think getting involved with someone who has at least three (well I'm assuming the kids in the car were hers, and I will expound on that in just a moment) children would probably be a bad idea. Also I got the feeling that she's a bit more jaded than she used to be... another... ehh gut feeling but... lately I'm going with those because they've been right more than not.... it's when I don't go with my intuition that I get into trouble. Anyway so I had monday off, gave her a call then.... Didn't leave a message on her home phone number, I'm not good with machines and I figured a rehearsed message'd be better than "Ummm Uhhh ugh" Also... her home machine said something about "You have reached Nikki and Chris." Mmmmm interesting... either this guy she was talking about moved out 2 days ago and she's not had time to update her machine, She's living with a girlfriend to help pay the rent, or she's with another guy.... Mebbe I did misread her a bit... I'd gotten the feeling that she was interested in persuing a relationship with me by our little chat, If the third is the case, and she has a boyfriend, then she was just being friendly, and eh I won't mind having another friend. Other two possibilities could still lead to open season on all wabbits... ugh... Left a message on her cell phone... did have one hangup message today... forgot to tell christy I saw Liz... ohwell... I'll tell her some other time. Really hadn't planned on talking to her... she's gone a week and a half without calling me... I think this is some kind of record... Ohwell and here I was hoping for two weeks.... Apparently samantha's sick though, which I do kinda want to know about... also she's likely to call me back again today... to let me know how things are going... We'll see, if she does, I'll try to remember to tell her about liz, also to ask her why marcie's not called cause she swore she'd have marcie call me (She did an excellent resume for me the other year, and I want to talk to her about doing another one for me....) Did have one call and hangup, that mighta been christy, mighta been bernie, Mighta been Nikki or a million other folks, who knows... basically the idea at this point though is, if she's interested in me, go out meet her for lunch some time, and most likely let her know I'm really not interested in a relationship with anyone at this point... (which is partially true, I'm still finding it difficult to let go of christy, and I don't think I could rush headlong into another relationship at this point, just because of that.... though if the right person were to come along.... perhaps I would take it slowly and go with it) Perhaps I read things wrong, and "Don't allways judge a book by it's cover" and all that, so I figure, give it an hour over lunch, if we ever actually get that far, and see how things go... if my gut still tells me walk away... then I will. Funny thing, three weeks ago I woulda been ecstatic at this opportunity, now, I'm slowly starting to think that I'll be better off alone for a little while. I think there are some things that I need to set straight in my life first before I get really involved with someone else... IE get a car, then an apartment, and possibly try to get a decent career before I actually try this whole thing again, I figure that'll take the next 2-3 years to actually get all my ducks in a row.... and by then, perhaps God will bring me the right person, or He'll show me where else I need to go in my life... either way I don't think it's me being alone that's got me so goofed up right now, simply as much as it is living with my dad (very long story there that perhaps I'll get into some day, lets just say living here is not exactly anyone's idea of a good time, partially because of dad, and partially because of the place) Anyhoo... going to go to bed now methinks
Goodnight and God bless
Atl

Can I shoot the monkey? (go see pirates if you want to understand)

2006-08-12T06:14:05Z

This weekend has been odd.... I've seen three more people I haven't seen in years....geeze....
Can't remember who the first was for the life of me because the second two were.... a shock to say the least.

Rosie.... Whee... I think she was pissed at me the last time I saw her... she doesn't seem to be anymore but it's hard to tell when you see someone for a grand total of about 60 seconds....
See she and I... she was one of the few people I almost went out with... She was single, I was single... we sorta liked each other... it went slowly but... it was going... Then christy came outta nowhere... blindsided me... kinda like a hurricane, and well I kinda forgot all about Rosie... She'd heard I'd had *A* child, didn't know I'd had two. Showed her a picture of my kids, we talked for a few seconds... she said it was nice to see me again... so no hard feelings there... that's nice to know. I did like her once but... lol I'm glad we never went out to be honest... she and I... that never woulda worked... Makes one go "What the heck was I thinking!?"

Then 10 minutes later Brad came through... FFS I've not seen him since before my first daughter was born... We see each other, and nearly simultaneously go "Oh hell no, not you...." we never got along, he allways made fun of me when we worked together.... and I allwas called him an ***hole for it.... so well... yeah. I told him we'd had our second daughter... and that christy left me... and "ohwell" heh... he seemed to think it was vaguely amusing... probably more the way I put it than anything else.... She was pregnant when he'd seen her come up before to talk to me, so she was grumpy generally and she and I were arguing most of the time, so it wasn't any big surprise to him I think... I'd forgotten that it'd been before my first daughter was born that he'd seen me, let alone my second... ohwell I swear to make this weekend perfect... all I need to see now are Abby and Jocelyn... So far as I know Jocey's still cool with me but... well we never knew each othe real well... saw each other like twice in college, she'd recognized me cause I used to walk to work in front of her house all the time. We were friends but that was about it... Haven't seen her since before I moved to Virginia for 6 months... and that was like.. 5 or 6 years ago...I've not really been in the area much since then though.
Abby... I'd like to lay that to rest... I'd like to have a nice long chat with her...That's the one relationship ... the way it ended... 's allways bothered me... I think she came through once since I came back but I didn't say anything to her because I was a bit scared to... I was about 18 when I asked her out... she and I were good friends before that... I was too immature, and didn't really know what the frell I was doing, wound up coming off the wrong way and she got really pissed at me for it. I just wish I could set that whole thing right... We had been good friends till then... ohwell

Tonight also sucked pretty bad... I wanted to tell mindy thanks for helping me out up front as much as she had, cause it let me get my stuff done by like 12:30 (gotta be done before 1) but I wound up helping out everyone else so much because they were so far behind that we didn't clock till quarter after, and a couple of things still needed done, and mindy stayed behind to do it for us... She was pretty bitchy with me by the end of it... and I'm thinking... woah woah woah wait I've been done for 45 minutes... I'm helping these guys.... and you're yelling at me!? *GUH* I'll probably talk to her tomorrow about it... I figure tonight just wasn't her night... or mine... best part is I gotta be back at work early...
So on that note I'm going to call it a night
AtlQ

atlquotl @ 2006-08-11T12:29:00

2006-08-11T16:52:03Z

I know I know, I've not posted in forever, and then two posts in two days! bonanza.... somehow I doubt if anyone other than roz reads this anymore anyway... *shrug* ohwell. Finally got Eve back up... not that I'll really be playing too much... just enough to skill check occasionally. Of course I find out now that my character's been kicked from his corporation. Ahh well.... Think my relationship with Alice will be that of friends and no more.... Oh well...
Interestingly enough... I'm slowly becoming okay with being single again. I guess I'm slowly starting to come to grips with who I am. What I am capable of, and what I'm not capable of, and am slowly accepting me for me. Interestingly enough yesterday something hit me... I'm sure God has a plan for my life, not sure what it is but I know He has one for me. So long as I keep doing the whole Woe is Me thing, I'm never going to be able to do what He wants with me... and perhaps that's part of the reason why I keep doing what I'm doing. I know I know.... I'm sounding paranoid and all that but.... well like I said before no one ever reads this cept me, so who cares right?

MMmmm Have seen 4 people in the past week that I've not seen in forever... 3 of them yesterday.
Lauren.
Haven't seen her since I was 18 or 19.... lot of things have changed since then. She's got a child I've got children...
heh we didn't say much to be honest... ohwell

Liz... one of christy's friends whom I was allways vaguely okay with. Some of the other people they hung out with were... bad news but Liz was actually ususally pretty cool. Interestingly enough she'd only heard "rumors" of christy and my breakup... and she talked to christy in june... it's been something like 8 months now, and here I thought liz was one of christy's closer friends. (she did too till christy really stopped talking to her... ohwell)

Eddie..
Wow.... haven't seen him in 4 or 5 years either.... He either has 4 children now, or the girl he's with has 4 children... either way... damn. the boy was 17 and sortof single (but being a player) the last time I knew him... he's 21 now with 4 kids... somethin bout that doesn't feel right... lol ohwell He's probably still in player mode and won't get out of it till he's dead... or something

Dave...
Used to work with him at Boscovs. I'd already seen so many people that I hadn't seen in a while... and really never knew him all that well that I didn't bother to even say anything to him... ohwell. Wonder if he's beaten the ruby weapon yet in ffVII... last time I checked he hadn't... lol

Finally I think last night was also a night of God trying to tell me how all things work together for good for those who serve the Lord. I usually hear this and think... Uh-huh... how can *this* situation be working together for good for me? nothing ever works together for good for me. *sigh* and go on with my depressed mode of thinking.
Well.... Cute... girl... came through drive through... ordered sandwich sans pickle/onion.... Sandwich is made... I go to hand it to the guy in drive through who's handing things out the window... see the girl and hesitate partially because I got distracted by her being cute... lol
He hesitated cause he saw me hesitate and wondered what was wrong, and the sandwich hit the floor.
Note the sandwich was in a box, inside of a bag, so in no way did it touch the floor, but well... we couldn't exactly hand it out the window... went back, had another made (fortunately we didn't have to wait for anything else to be cooked, we had just enough to make one more....) and I got to hand it out the window... WOOT lol...
Anyway 30 seconds later, the guy in drivethrough is sorely tempted to eat this burger cause... well he was hungry and... nothing was really wrong with it, so he opens up the package, and there's pickle and onion on this burger... so it was a good thing that we hadn't handed it out the window. Funny how it's often difficult for me to remember that something that's going on in my life now, may be for the better for me later... I rarely see it that way.

Oh yeah and I'm slowly getting better at my guitar.... instead of sounded like a bunch of screech owls I sound like a buzz saw... Mmmmm well with a bit of screech owl in the background. *I* see it as an improvement anyway? lol though my musical tastes generally tend to prefer the harder stuff... (screech owl bandsaw.....meh)
Anyway take care, have fun oh and if you get REALLY bored
www.eve-online.com and do a lookup of free trial in their search engine.... it'll let you play the game for 14 days... if you do decide to play, look up Atlquotl
Cheers

atlquotl @ 2006-08-10T15:06:00

2006-08-10T19:11:20Z

Mmmmmm Lets see.....
Alice Eddie and Christy...... All of em are a pain.... and yet in their own way I love each..... lol
Let's start with Christy... My ex.... Love her to death... allways will... and yet she frustrates the hell out of me sometimes.
She called the other day.... I got to talk to my daughter for a good 10-20 minutes so I'm not going to argue with that.... Then she started telling me about her boyfriend and how he is (or might be or she thinks he isn't even though he told her he is.... I dunno the whole thing was confusing) cheating on her....
Of course my immediate response is "I'm not going to be here for you to fall back on if he dumps you." "Well what about our kids...." was the immediate response.... I gotta laugh....'s an interesting way of her saying "Why not!?" Interestingly enough every time I came up with a reason not to get back with her, she had a counter.
Until of course I got to Alice... Finally told her there's a vague possibility that I may be going out with someone else at some point, and I'm not going to just drop that possibility..... The possibility's not really there... It really is just a vague notion in my head that I'm just trying to take the time to shake away.... but it'll postpone the whole thing
I know how it's going to go with christy.... her boyfriend is gonna dump her, and she's gonna come screaming back to me, wanting me to take her back.... because she mistakes me being nice to her, for me being stupid enough to go back out with her. It won't happen like that.
Anyway.... Alice.... Cute... intelligent... Hispanic with green eyes... that's the first time I've ever seen that *shrug* She flirts too much is what the entire thing ammounts to, and I've mistaken her flirting for an actual honest desire to go out with me... or something. She's a real sweetheart... ambitious in her own rights, she seems to know what she wants, except for when it comes to relationships.
Apparently I'm not the only one who's vaguely confused about the whole thing cause Eddie (Edilania... we all call her eddie) Keeps trying to push Alice into going out with me. Of the three... right now Eddie's the biggest thorn in my side.... she's a total pain in the ass.... Kept brushing her ass up against me last night till I more or less freaked out on her.... She's vaguely cute, and when one's been celebate for 8 months.... it's frustrating to say the least to have someone keep brushing up against you like that... (she swears it wasn't intentional, but *EVERY* time, it was her backside or boobs... you tell me) Not to mention the fact that she's actually with someone already.... not sure what her intent was.... but ugh. of course.... as soon as I went off at her, she decided she's going to tell alice I need to get laid or something. When will these people understand that to me sex is something sacred... yes the entire thing frustrates the heck out of me, but I'm not going to just run out and sleep with the next cute thing that I come accross.
There's several other reasons why I'd not sleep with Alice in particular at the moment but, but lets just say she's not the type to run out and try to get laid immediately either.... and the last time I started sleeping with someone (christy) she had to bug me for 3 or 4 months straight before I finally gave in. With someone who's about as likely to push themselves on me as I am on them.... heh even if Alice does like me.... (She swears she doesn't.... eddie seems to think she does.... at this point I just want eddie to leave well enough alone..... even if alice DOES like me..... eddie's likely gonna ruin the whole thing... but I digress) Well lets just say it'll be a very long time thing before anything happens.... it would happen very slowly which... would be a good thing. LIkely though this'll just be another friendship.... I'm going to try to shift things that way for a couple reasons... Friends outside of work, rather than just work aquaintances... anyway I know it's all confusing as hades to me too.....
Gonna take a nap.... working two jobs wears me out.... I'll try to write more within the next week or so... we'll see

Atl

Do children have titles?

2006-07-25T09:07:04Z

WOw, where to begin

So many things to speak about since the last time I've posted. I keep meaning to update this thing and it never seems to get done.

So many *things* to talk about but it all honestly boils down to *not much having happened*

Went to promise keepers. That was really cool, cept for the fact that I was sick the whole time (Ugh)
My friend that I met on here just got married today.... (CONGRATS ROZ!)
Or wait, I think that's considered yesterday now, ohwell.
I'm on one of my "I don't care about anything" kicks.
My ex has actually slowed down a lot in calling me which is fortunate, because I'd have gotten to the point where I'd just not bother picking up for her anymore if she hadn't.
Tomorrow the 26'th is my daughter's 3rd birthday, and unless a miracle happens, I won't get to see her.
One of my friends is pregnant because she hasn't been wise about her choices in life. I've tried speaking to her about God and everything and it seems like... what I tell her... she's on a different level of understanding, like that of an infant or something, and because she cannot, or will not understand, she refuses to really listen to it.
Speaking of that, I've not exactly been making 100% of the best choices I can lately.
I'm not exactly being a failure or anything, and I think I'm coming up out of it, but I've been fairly depressed a lot recently, I've just not been going anywhere.
I've not really had anyone other than myself to concentrate on for a while. There's one girl online in a video game who lives in florida that I see on once a week that I talk to occasionally but... It's nothing like the same thing as living with someone day in and day out.
I saw samantha a couple of weeks ago. She's getting big fast. I took my ex out to lunch, partially to show that I still am the same person I allways was, and I still care far more than she's ever wanted to admit to, and partially just to be able to take the time to spend an hour or so with my daughter. She seemed to think trying to drop her cup of soda on the floor while I wasn't looking would be funny... I'm so glad for the times I used to spar. My reflexes aren't what they once were, but they're still fast enough to keep the cup from hitting the floor. I miss my kids. I love my kids. Melissa.... heh first thing I noticed about her when she was born, is that she had big feet. Enormously huge feet for someone so tiny. Birth is a messy thing so I won't go into the specific details of that part but.
My ex's mom had been saying for months that my ex would go way earlier than the doctors estimate. They had a printout on the first ultrasound they ever took of melissa. One that said she'd be born july 25. I kept swearing I'd die laughing if she was born on her due date. I should have been ready, I should have known. I was working third shift. I still wasn't really used to it... so I'd not slept real well before I went into work, and they'd just ramped up the ammount of stuff I was doing by nearly 3x (I had been in training sortof up until that point) and I was absolutely exhausted. I came home around 7:30 am july 25 2003. I had just laid down, and was trying to fall asleep when my ex comes in and says "Honey, I think my water just broke." I was going Umm... Oh dear... Hon can I at least get a few hours of sleep? "No, we've got to go to the hospital now." "Okay okay, at least let me find a book to bring" Heh... she insisted on leaving right away, and I didn't have enough time to find my book. sometime 8-10 hours later she realized why I had asked for a book, and told me if we ever had another child, she wouldn't mind giving me the 5 minutes to get the book. Our friend, the one who's pregnant now, was there. I remember being outside, and she was with her boyfriend of the moment, and she hadn't slept well recently either (no idea what the story was behind that) and she was looking up at the stars, and thought one was moving, and had a minor nervous breakdown because of it... We were all tired that night.
Next morning, by 9:15 Melissa was born....

I know this is coing to sound cold and cruel, especially coming from a man, but the bit where my ex said something about "It feels like I'm pushing out a buick" was vaguely amusing to everyone in the room, except of course for my ex... She didn't think it was funny at all at the time, though later she did.
(yes that would make 3 days straight on like 5 hours of sleep... needless to say I was exhausted)
9lbs 12 oz 21.5" long. and big little feet :) I was upset when they decided to start giving her injections right away because it upset her, but I knew that they were doing it for her health and safety, so I didn't complain... not nearly as much as she did anyway. My mom came by later that afternoon, and they moved us not too much later. I finally got to fall asleep in a nice big comfly recliner chair that afternoon/evening. It was the first time my ex and I really had alone together in a long time. It was nice, calm, peacefull. We were in the hospital for nearly 2 days after (which is kinda rare anymore) It was nice.
Did I mention the problems with her epidural? *ugh* She's not one who takes pain very well, and they put an epidural in her, at her request, and you could tell when the pain meds wore off, because she'd wake up screaming, the nurse'd go WTF!? call a doc, doc'd come in, scratch his head, up the dosage, (slightly,) it'd calm down her pain, and she'd drift back off to sleep. This musta happened 3 or 4 times during the night. Because this stuff's put right into yer spine, I don't think you're supposed to develop an immunity to it, at least not that quickly... but she did... or well, a resistance at least... that would crop up a year and a half later with my second daughter.

Samantha.... Interesting that my ex pushed out two 8+ pound children and never once told me she hated me....
I don't remember the exact weight of samantha when she was born.... her birth was far more prolonged.
She went into the hospital on thursday.... They put in the epidural again about midnight when it really started to hurt, and then overnight her contractions slowed, and then stopped altogether. The next day the doctors were kinda going umm okay? wtf? So they started her on an iv drip that'd get her contractions back up etc. and by midnight again, her body was squeezing hard enough that they turned the epidural back on... and again, even with the iv that was sposed to keep her contracting... her body slowed down and stopped. (the fascinating part about this, is her body'd tried to go into birth mode several times over a couple month period before this... and they had to stop the contractions each time)
We had a repeat cycle of this whole thing up till about saturday evening when her water finally broke. I told the doctor. either earlier, or at about this point that my ex'd had a multi-sectional water with melissa and they'd had to go in and break a second bag to keep that from causing problems. They just looked at me funny and shrugged and dismissed my concern with "oh well he's not a doctor, and just a man, he doesn't know what he's talking about."
Funny thing about that.... overnight, samantha dropped, everything started going full blast again... and then just tapered off and stopped.
By now we'd been in the hospital for four days, and everyone was getting tired. I had my book, but my ex's mom refused to leave until the baby was born, and so instead of sleeping on the couch that was provided, I slept on a hard wood floor next to my ex's hospital bed, and used an extra shirt as a pillow.... If you've not slept in a very long time you can do this, but not for prolonged periods, and not without waking up with a lot of pain. I barely slept the entire time I was there.
So sunday afternoon hits, and then evening, and with the baby moving around, they're having a harder and harder time keeping external monitors on mom's belly in the right spot to watch the baby's heartbeat.
About now they're starting to get worried because 24 hours after the water breaks, if the baby's not been born, they'll have to do a c-section... and my ex and I really wanted to avoid that...
The doctors got this crazy notion that moving my ex to a different room might help, so with an epidural, and iv lines trailing, we moved her, bed and all to another room, and then they decided that because of the problems seeing the baby's heartbeat, they'd try to put an internal monitor....inside... on the baby's head... just to make sure she's really where she should be. heh they couldn't get it on her right for quite some time... this caused my ex quite a bit of distress and I can see why.... I think I'd be distressed with three doctors doing something like that to me, too..... *shudder*
They finally realized what was wrong, there'd been a small bag of water that when samantha's head came into the birth canal, would slide down under her head and stop her from going any further, they found it, and broke it, and not even two hours later samantha was born. After the doctors had left, I ran down to the cafeteria before it closed and grabbed a sandwich and chips....(the doctors took a long time patting each other on the back, and well I'd wanted to make sure my ex was still okay before I left. I still think it's funny that they blew me off, and I turned out to be right. Now that she's pregnant again, and I won't be there to tell them, I kinda wonder if she may wind up with a c-section to have her third child... or something this one's sposed to be a girl too now, originally they thought it was a boy, but umbilical cords can be such tricky things... either way the child's not mine, so it's no concern of mine. if the child were mine, taking all factors into consideration, it'd be born by now.) Anyway, ran down grabbed a sandwich on some kind of yummy swirlly colored rye, and potato chips... I came back up, get about half way through my sandwich and chips, and realize... there aint no stoppin her now.... I set the sandwich aside... sit there and hold her hand through having samantha, and let her have the rest of my sandwich cause the doctor said it was allowed, and well... this was kinda my fault too. Samantha was born a little after 7 pm.... oh and... by the time it came to do the actual pushing, my ex's nervous system had been so infused with so much of the epidural meds, that it didn't do anything anymore, and they couldn't switch meds for fear of hurting her, or the baby, so she pushed samantha out on little more than the equivalent of having a couple of tylenol in her system... a situation I would not have wanted to be in. We wound up in the hospital for three more days because samantha'd been in the birth canal so long that she got a *HUGE* bruise on her head, that and my ex had a lot of issues with clotting, and they wanted to makes sure she wasn't bleeding internally. So I didn't get home till wednesday... Poor girl was in contractions for four days straight.... even though melissa was bigger, and probably a bit more... stressful because she was a first... I think she was also easier because samantha was prolonged, and samantha was also born without too much effect from pain meds.

I still remember the look on her face as she's holding the two girls. Melissa came out all gooey and messey and dripping slime and stuff... and the first thing out of my ex's mouth was "She's beautiful." It took her a month to fully recover.... perhaps a bit longer.... I wonder if her body will ever fully recover from the stress of having 3 children in 3.5 years though (she's due in november) Samantha was a bit more... subtle... I know she said the same thing about her when she was born, but what I remember more, is her sitting on the window sill, holding samantha.... (Huge windows in the phildadelphia hospital where samantha was born) and the lights were dimmed down, and she was just... glowing. We called all our friends, and told them. Samantha actually has two middle names, one of them is after the middle name of the friend who was there when melissa was born.... She didn't believe us when we told her... heck I didn't believe my ex when she told me that was what she wanted to name her, but... well I'm not really going to argue about a second middle name... especially since it'll never get used... and if it does... well ashley's just as pretty a middle name as hope is....
Melissa faith, and Samantha Hope....
Yes we did name our children like that.
Melissa'll be three tomorrow. I hope I get to see her.
Atl

End of an era.

2006-06-11T03:01:25Z

Well I've found out that more or less, I'm never going to see my daughter melissa again. It's a long story that I'll get into at some other point, but let's just say that at this point I need prayer, and I'll leave it at that.

I'll get back to this when I'm not in such a mood
Atl

Oh yeah guitar thingy

2006-05-28T06:51:08Z

Take the quiz:
Which guitar are you

B.C. Rich Warlock
You are a BC Rich Warlock. Its Gothic Shape and death metal sound have gotten it a good reputation with modern distortion enthusaists.

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

Funny thing is I've allways had a fondness for the way this guitar looks, even if I am far more partial to Ibanez brand guitars... lol

It's been two weeks since I've posted and I still have no good title!

2006-05-28T06:31:28Z

Been busy with work, *fun* Ex keeps calling, I keep ignoring her... Finally got to the point where I really don't care anymore. Don't want contact with her, and her insisting on contacting me is becoming annoying now more than cute.
Really don't want to say anything else about her

Started going to the gym with couple of co-workers.
I'm having fun with it... thinking perhaps I'll eventually get into professional bodybuilding if I ever get that far. I've got a good frame for it... now all I need to do is keep going :)
Been staying sore a lot but that means I'm growing so *YAY* to me!
<- wants to look like Arnold Schwarzenegger some day... lol
(Yeah I know probably unrealistic but if I do it great, and if not I'll have my goal)
The other thing is if I ever do look like him... most of what I've been eating lately is McDonalds salads, so even if he is smaller than most of the present day Mr Olympias (he won 7 times, only two have beaten him so far, they're tied at 8, the current guy is going for #9) I'll still be able to get a great contract with mcdonalds doing advertisements for them or something.... lol
FFXI ftw EVE Online, Still my love....
Yay games!
later folks
Dave

atlquotl @ 2006-04-18T08:17:00

2006-04-18T12:09:27Z

Oggeh The things I promised I'd explain "tomorrow" nearly a week ago.
My job,
I started working at a hunting/fishing/camping store called Cabellas. On my original app, told em couldn't work sundays cause the bus didn't run. Because of the bus schedule. I would sometimes show up for work 3 hours early, and not leave till an hour or more after I was done. I needed the money so I didn't really complain. Well close to two months in, I was told that I had to start working sundays, or I wouldn't be able to work there anymore. Told my manager I had no way to get up there on sundays, and that I'd originally stated on my application that I was unable to work sundays. He told me that they never would have hired me if they knew I couldn't work sundays..... Yay me. So anyway I told him I could work nights, but wouldn't be able to get there till 11 pm, (normal third shift was 10-6, I'd be 11-7) He said okay, great, they needed someone overnights anyway. Well a manager had to be at the back door to open it for me every night at 11pm. This worked gread for the first four days. Fifth day, I got there, and no one was there to open it for me. There was sposed to be a snow storm moving in, but I figured someone would be there soon, that I just had to wait a few minutes. 30-40 minutes later, long after the bus left, I finally decided that I'd had enough waiting for these people, and that I was going to walk to the nearest place that had a phone (Dunkin donuts, accross the parking lot and drive way, bout 1/4 mile just to walk there, if that says how big this place is.) Called my ex (who wasn't my ex at the time, and asked if she could get me. She said she'd try my dad, because he was closer. I told her she'd probably not be able to wake him because he usually turns the phones off at night, but give it a shot and call me back. Finally got a call back, saying dad was on his way (good 45 minute drive) and that He'd be there asap to pick me up... by the time dad got there, there was an inch of snow on the ground. I was pissed, and didn't even bother to go back for two days. Finally decided I should go drop off my work shirts, and bitch the manager out. The manager I found was one of two managers that I'd had on day shift (not the one that told me they'd never hire me, as he was the one who'd hired me, and also told me they'd be able to work things out on my not being able to work sundays) I was pissed, and he seemed a but miffed about the whole thing too... only he seemed miffed at me. He told me to come back in that night, that I wasn't the first person this had happened to, and that I should just call if it happened again. Few things about that.... I'd have to walk to the dunkin donuts every time I wanted to call there, I realized that if this became an every night thing, that it wasn't gonna happen anymore. That night, I came back, told the bus driver to wait like 5 minutes, and that I'd brb... (lol) (-0-)<- yay look a tie fighter... yes I'm easily distracted) So I went to the back, waited there about 30 seconds, when there wasn't anyone there, said forget this, ran back to the bus, and well, until I got my job at mcdonalds back... I've been jobless... *guh* that whole thing reeked all the way around.
Ahh yess the other thing I was going to discuss.
Why I once thought God told me I should get back with christy? *GUH*
I'd tried, I'd been trying, I'd wanted her back, but at that point in time I was still wondering which direction I should go. I didn't know. One night I prayed, prayed that God would show me the next day through Christy, wether I should take her back or not...
We'd been arguing a lot lately, not really wanting to talk to each other, not wanting anything to do with each other unless we absolutely had to. The next day when she called, she did the whole "Why can't I get you out of my head?!" thing along with "I love you." etc. I still wasn't 100% sure after that cause we almost found something to fight about even then, but later she called me back after her boyfriend had gone home, and we sat there and talked without arguing, and had a very nice caring conversation. The night before I'd been at the point of, I don't care which way I need to go Lord, just let me know which way to go... and then that happened and I thought I knew what I was supposed to do.
Interesting. I find that I'm still babbling on about her. For several reasons. First, it's an old habit, one which seems to be harder to break than I thought. Second I really don't know that anyone would care about my exploits in EVE (OOoo yay I did a level three mission today and got lucky and found 3 cargo expanders, worth a total of 17m isk between the three *WOOHOO!* I mean this is good news to me, as I'll now be that much closer to replacing the deimos I lost the other night due to my own stupidity, but somehow I think this makes for even duller writing than christy) And well, there's only so many ways you can write about wrapping a cheeseburger at McDonalds before it gets boring.... Oh, I think I just wrote all of them..... YaY
:-p
Gonna have to put something up about my dog at some point. Maybe put a picture of her up. She's gone now but... man I really did love her.

Anyway I'll write more when I'm not realizing I have to be up in 6 hours to go to work
God Bless
David

Certian women, can be a total frelling pain in my backside!

2006-04-15T17:55:47Z

*WHEEEE* where to start. Two days ago christy called and asked to borrow a couple of dollars. It meant I was going to be able to see my younger daughter, so when I realized I had some extra change, I said yes. Well she came up, and I got to see Samantha, Yay, boy is she getting big. She's such a cutie. Starting to look just like her older sister too.... Anyway I digress. When Christy got here, she kept glancing at me and smiling real big and glancing away etc.... doin all this crap that a schoolgirl with a huge crush, one she doesn't know how to react to, would do. Do I think any of it was an act? Honestly I'm not sure. I wasn't quite sure how to react to her when I saw her. It's been a long time since I'd seen her, and well used to be we'd run up and hug and kiss each other when it'd been this long, and my automatic reaction was to want to do that, more out of habit than anything else, so I wasn't quite sure *HOW* to act around her. I think she had the same automatic feelings, and mistook them for love or something... heck maybe she had an upset stomach and mistook that for love. Or perhaps as some have suggested, she was just messing with me. (I'm not sure she knows how to fake that kind of high giggly flirty little girl type act though, She's good at doing it when she finds someone new, but I don't think it's something she knows how to fake, because she's normally not happy enough to even be able to pretend something like that.) Anyway so she calls me today, waking me up, to tell me thank you. I figured I would be nice enough to say your welcome trying not to be too pissy. Finally told her I had to go cause I wanted to go back to bed, as I'd not gone to sleep till 9 am ish (My sleep habits are horrendous) She was like okay.... "I love you." I said, Okay, I love you too, as a person, as someone I was once with, but don't ask me to be in love with you again, don't ask me to be with you again... at that point she was like, I have to go bye and hung up. I don't think she understands, she had the option to take me back once upon a time. She doesn't have that option any more. Oh and the other thing, she's trying to say she's pregnant again. Oh yay... more babies. Told her that was on her, and that she's the one who's sleeping with people and that's why she's getting pregnant. This is her choice. I've made a different choice. I'm not going to sleep with anyone, until I get married. I told her that *AGAIN* and somehow she took that to mean that I was going to have kids again. Told her not neccesarily, but if I fall in love with, and marry someone, that will be between she and I, not she christy and myself. I don't think Christy's ever had anyone not want her back, not and still care about her. I think she thought she could move on to piss me off and make me jealous, and then move back and take back over my life whenever she wanted. If she really still wants me.... this is her loss, not mine anymore. I think I mentioned in my last letter that she was going to attempt to get back with me soon. I tried to head that off. Told her not to be confused, and not to ask for me back. She tends to try to have what she wants, instead of wanting what she has. I had a choice once, between her and someone else..... I loved the other person too, about that, let's just say Christy invited someone else into our bed once upon a time, and I got way too attatched to this other girl. Given the choice again, right now, I'd take the other girl over Christy any day of the week. Christy's been rude and obnoxious, while this other girl has been caring and understanding, one of the very few people I'm able to talk to about this whole thing with christy, and have them be completely understanding, because she knows christy, and she knows my relationship with christy. I don't think I'll ever really get another shot at her and that does make me sad sometimes, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Oi oh yeah, 's some girl at work who's apparently single who's been acting strangely nice to me lately... She's not really my type, and I doubt that I'm hers, but I think she's probably lonely, so it's making her akwardly nice to me sometimes. *guh* Ohwell, I'm just glad that there's not going to be anything to come from that, because I really don't need any more complications in my life. Anyway Like I told christy, I want *some* sleep. Gonna have to write that stuff that I promised I'd write about at some point.
Hopefully when I get home from work, while refitting my megathron (Eve online)
God bless
David

Titles are like dreams, fleeting and pointless

2006-04-11T09:39:04Z

Today.... has not been a wonderful day for me. It started with a dream last night. Used to have a dog, pretty dog, husky collie mix, that wound up getting put down. Long story, really don't want to go into it. Anyway, dream, She was alive, and mom decided to put her down just because she didn't like her (not mom at all, also, mom was still at home sortof, so this would have been when I was much younger, before my mom left my dad) Well, the only person who understood why I was upset, was my uncle Eddie... My moms (much) younger brother. He actually wound up passing away years ago in a boating accident (was in the water too long, he had some kind of minor heart condition which wound up causing serious complications. He was in freezing cold water long enough to wind up killing him. He was the only one on the boat that died that night... everyone else didn't have a heart condition. Sad thing is, Grandpa begged him not to go out because there was bad weather on the news, and he went out anyway. I still remember seeing the news broadcast with the news about his boat.....) Again I was much younger, so didn't have a problem hugging anyone, was kinda hugging/crying on my uncle eddie's shoulder. I was starting to wake up at this point, and my concious mind realized that uncle eddie really was dead, and I wasn't going to see him much longer, so I started crying harder. Needless to say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. It was hard to get out of that even this evening during our bible study. I kinda got away from the depression a little bit, and started to cheer up some. Later tonight one of my friends called and she and I got onto the topic of her grandfather who passed away this past christmas. That reminded me of the fact that my grandmother passed the week before thanksgiving. I don't have too many real clear memories because it's been years since I saw her. Sad thing is, I had a chance to go see her again, and I didn't because I'd just started a new job and didn't want to lose it. One that wound up not being worth it, and I was more or less dumped from a month and a half later (I'll go into that probably tomorrow, if I post then) THat kinda got me back into a depressed mood, which reminded me I'd told christy on sunday never to call me again. I'm realizing that who she is now, as she is, I don't love her anymore. Well, I love her, I'm just not in love with her, and have not been for some time. She only calls to start trouble, and well, I'm going to refuse to speak to her anymore. So I talked to my friend about christy for a while. Told her the person I miss, is the kind person I fell in love with. The one christy pretended to be when she first met me because she wanted me to be interested in her. Sad thing is, she played that person very well. If she tried, she really could be a kind person. She and I have chosen different paths though. She's chosen to go down the path of becoming her mother (pure anger and hate) I've chosen the path of Christ, my Lord and Saviour, my God, Comforter, Counselor, Strength and Guide. She and I will never be compatable again. I've been asking God to let me let go. For the first while, the only answer I got back was "Have faith." (I even thought I'd gotten a response from Him regarding me waiting for her a while back, again probably something I'll extrapolate further on tomorrow) Then I got nothing for a long while. I've been slowly realizing though that I'll never be happy with her again. That I won't be able to accept her back anymore. Then reading through the Bible tonight after I hung up with my friend, I came accross Deuteronomy chapter 24.

The first four versus go like this.

When A man hath taken a wife, and married her; and it come to pass that she find no favour in his eyes, because he hath found some uncleanness in her: then let him writ her a bill of divorcement and give it in her hand and send her out of his house. 2.)And when she is departed out of his house, she may go and be another mans wife. 3.) And if the latter husband hate her and write her a bill of divorcement, and givith it in her hand, and sendeth her out of his house; or if the latter husband die, which took her to be his wife; 4.) Her former hudband, which sent her away, may not take her again to be his wife, after that she is defiled; for that is an abomination before the Lord: and thou shalt not cause the land to sin, which the Lord thy God giveth thee for an inheretence.

I want to say I didn't send her away.... I mean heck i technically never married her, but in a way, last christmas I did, our relationship didn't survive that whole little thing. Even though she'd told me she wanted me to not leave her, there was a two week period where I told her to go away and leave me alone. Right before christmas actually. I finally accepted her back, but our relationship never really did recover from that. I was actually going to go to Joshua, or Judges. I'd read through most of the laws back in leviticus and numbers and was a bit tired of reading through all the rules, and wanted to go ahead to something, and then come back a little later. I think this was God's way of telling me that yes, I'm to let go of Christy. That she and I are no longer allowed to be together anymore, even if at one point we once were, we aren't anymore. I'm no longer concerned even if she does decide she wants to try to take me back. I remember thinking at one point, that there will come a day when she'll want to come back to me, and I'll say no, and disliking my future self for that. I figured I'd be cold and callous and not care anymore the same way I had. I was wrong. I'm my future self now. I still love her, but I know she's not good for me. Yes I know I rant about her here a lot, but this is honestly about the only place I rant about her, and it just helps to get my thoughts out. Sometimes if I don't write em down they just swirl about in my head forever, and that's worse than ranting about it on paper. I've not forgiven her yet... at least, not as completely as one should. I've begun to forgive her for letting me go though, if for no other reason than I'm now free to do God's will, and not hers. Perhaps one day 30 years from now we'll meet, compare notes, and realize we can be friends again or something, but for now, I'm going to go where God leads. Whereever that may be.
Good night, and God bless

atlquotl @ 2006-04-09T02:58:00

2006-04-09T07:33:46Z

Mmmm ever notice how depression can affect you in different ways? Today I'm not in either an *EVERYONE MUST DIE* or Forget it, I may as well just kill myself mood. I'm in a b*tchy mood and really wish I had a punching bag to pound for a while. I'm in the mood to hurt something, inanimate though, nothing alive. Just.... I guess it's more nervous energy, or something. I'm tired, I've got 18 different reasons to be in a bad mood, etc. Just so much crap going on. Too much stuff to get into now, and most of it's just little personal crap that no one would understand anyway. I think right now reading the Bible might help... I can't wait for tomorrow and church. Perhaps that may make things better. I'm slowly descending into madness, and I'm not sure there's anything I can do about it. I'm frustrated, and tired, angry and grumpy, full of pain, and yet I'm supposed to be without hate. I don't hate, but not being angry and/or depressed when I go to bed, is often far easier said, than done. I don't like that I didn't get to go anywhere today. (dad fell asleep so we didn't go to vince or gregs house to help out....) Christy called, and tried to get money from me, even though she knows it'll be 2+ weeks before I have any. Nevermind the fact that I really don't trust that she'll be spending it on our children. (Told her to give me a list of things she needs, and I'll buy it, she seemed to think that was totally out of the quesiton) Had a bad day on my game, getting my sister kicked out of her/my old guild... At least I got my ship into safety... *sigh* well it's late and I really should have gone to bed long ago. I'll write more later.